A letter to Papa,

Hey Papa! Father’s day is near. People are already preparing.. Promotions are already being thought about; gift suggestions are already being displayed..have you ever look forward for this day? I wonder. Did it ever occurred to you how special this day is? or it is just another normal day? I suppose the latter.

 

Hey Papa! Did you ever wish your daughter would call you some day and greet you ” Happy Father’s Day!” ? or maybe surprise you with a gift beside your bed, maybe its your favorite branded clothes, or car parts, or a subscription to a club, or maybe just take you out on a dinner? Did you Papa? or you never wished because you forgot that you even have a daughter? I suppose the latter.

 

Hey Papa! Did you ever feel envious? When your friends go on family trips together.,eat out together with the whole family..so complete..a mother, a father and their children? or you never feel any because you never want a complete family? I suppose the latter.

 

Hey Papa! Did you remember the first and last words you said to your daughter? How she initiated the conversation because you were too conceited and coward to speak to her? Did you papa? Maybe not! Because for you it was just another ordinary night. Just you making a conversation. Just you, granting the pleading request of your 18 year old daughter, for you to see eye to eye, talk heart to heart, for the first time in her 18 fucking years of existence! Which one Papa? I suppose the latter.

 

Well Papa, I wanted to tell you a lot of things. Ask a lot of questions. Clarify a lot of issues..but you are not ready for it,or never will be. However Papa, I want to greet you Happy Fathers Day! even if you do not deserve it.

Still, I wanted to tell you my sincerest THANK YOU! Thank you Papa! Thank you for breaking my heart before I was even born. More so, for tearing my Mama’s heart into pieces. You have made her,me, us stronger than we will ever be. Your absence taught me that not all men are strong enough to stand on their own feet. Some just plant seed and leave when the seed starts to sprout because it would mean responsibility.

Your absence taught me that not all men are strong enough to stand on their own feet. Some just plant seed and leave when the seed starts to sprout because it would mean responsibility. 

Thank you for teaching me that I should be responsible for myself,for my decisions, for my actions. To accept my mistakes, learn from it and rise above. If not for you Papa, I will be dependent enough to your strengths or of other peoples’. If its not you Papa, I will not be this strong, because I gain what you lack.

I learnt to fight back the abuse of other men like you, who think women are just women. Inferior and exists only to please men. I learnt to speak up my rights and say no as an answer, things you can never do Papa, words you can never utter. I learned to protect Mama, to protect myself,and understand that even if sometimes we are weak, I can still stand up because who else will do? Its just us Papa, you weren’t there.

I learned to fight, fight until I have the strength to…

I learned when to speak and when not to..

and to show the world that no one’s actions and mistakes can ever define me and who I want to be! Not even you Papa, not even.

Thank you for that Papa.

I am genuinely grateful for that! Somewhat grateful that even if I do not have the will to choose a parent, you were given to me, because I will not be me if its not for you.

So for what its worth,

I genuinely greet you..

HAPPY FATHER’s DAY!!

 

 

 

_- from the best daughter you will ever have.

(or the only daughter you have)

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Zoe tries to Vlog

Holy weeks are holidays for some..its a chance to visit places because why not? Its long weekend. But, for me, this holiday is best spent with family. It’s the time to do some catching up and bonding moments long stolen other stuffs we attend to during regular days.

As for Zoe and me, we just did staycation.. Aside from the fact that I was sick, it’s the best time to do some parenting 😂

Here’s some snippets of our days together last holiday.😂😂😂 (all raw files)

NOW THAT I AM A MOM.

I stumbled upon a Pinterest post which I can pretty much relate to, and I’d like to share this all with you.

 

BEFORE I WAS A MOM

I never tripped over or forgot words to a lullaby.

I didn’t worry whether or not my plants were poisonous

I never thought  about immunizations.

Before I was a mom-

i had never been puked on.

Pooped on.

Chewed on.

Peed on.

I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.

I slept all night in.

Before I was a mom

I never help down a screaming child so doctors could do tests

or give shots

I never looked into teary eyes and cried

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin

I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before i was a Mom

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn’t want to put him down.

I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn’t stop the hurt.

I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.

i never knew knew that I could love someone so much.

I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom–

I didn’t know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.

I didn’t know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby

I didn’t know that bond between a mother and her child.

I didn’t know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a mom,

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night

every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.

I had never known the warmth,

the joy,

the love,

the heartache,

the wonderment

or the satisfaction of being a mom.

 

I never knew I was capable of feeling so much,

before I was a Mom.

Before I was a mom, I was so carefree ,careless and I do not care!! Y.O.L.O right? But now that I am mother of a 3 year old baby girl, Y.O.L.O will be Y.O.L.O with RESERVATIONS! You would not want to compromise your growing child right? So here’s a poem that would update the one above.

Now that I am a mom,

I google lullaby songs and try to remember the ones I had when I was a child.

I worry about everything and everyone and became too suspicious and paranoid.

I even searched for recommended vaccines and immunizations.

Now that I am a mom,

I have been puked on, several times actually.

I have been pooped on, different texture, odors and colors..you name it!

I have been peed on and even almost bathe with it.

I think about anything and almost everything with or without sense,

and I can hardly sleep because of it.

Now that I am a mom,

I tried all the tactics and advices on how to handle tantrums.

My patience are always put into tests and almost gave up.

Crying alone when everyone is sleeping maintains my sanity.

But, never have I thought that genuine happiness can be felt over a simple grin,and

just by watching a sleeping baby.

Now that I am mom,

I held a sleeping baby  just because I didn’t want to put her down,and

that moment was so priceless I wouldn’t mind my body’s protests.

My heart is shattered into pieces when I see her get hurt and I could not do anything to ease her pain or take it away.

 I had realized that something so small could affect my life so much,

that I am capable of loving someone so much.

Now that I am a mom,

I felt the connection.

My life was being channeled into another human being.

I knew how special it was to satisfy her hunger,and tried every recipe there is.

I learned to sacrifice my personal time and spend every time I have to my baby girl.

I felt important, appreciated and overjoyed because someone loves me so much.

Now that I am a Mom,

I completely forgotten about the 8-hour sleep rule.

I consistently wake up every 10 minutes just to  check if everything’s okay.

I embraced the warmth,

the joy,

the love,

the heartache,

the wonderment

or the satisfaction of being a mom.

I am capable of feeling so much, Now that I am a  mom.

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and I would not have it any other way..

 

 

-n

 

 

 

 

My Hello’s and Goodbye’s (Part 2)

Exactly 3 years ago, on August 27, when I had my hello. —Hello to a heaven sent angel.

After my mom died, I’d like to think that I technically lived alone.After graduation, I worked my ass off because I want to become successful in the field that I chose. I want to slap the world and tell them that I made it! I made it even if my mom was not here! and proudly claim I made it, and made my mom proud!

My shit was basically on its way of putting up itself together. I have a good career, I can afford renting my own space, and I am on my way to a less worry life standing at my own feet.All I will care was my life and how I wanted it to be. That simple!

I was so overwhelmed that I thought life alone was what I really wanted. All I care about will just be what I want and what I need. Less drama trying to please other people who do not even deserve it. Less chances of hypocrisy and unsolicited opinions..less complications.. but I was wrong.

As the bible says in Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

I was wrong. Suddenly I felt like something was missing.Like a part of a puzzle was not there yet to make it a whole. .. ——- I was never complete.

It was August 27 when I found the answer. 3 years after my mom left, God sent someone for me. Someone whom I’ll be spending my forever and eternity with. An angel who will fill up the gaps, and complete the missing part of me when I lost her.

Unlike other people, what I had was unexpected. I was not prepared for it. I was young, wild and free. I know nothing and I do not have the support group. I was so depressed that I cried almost every night. I was so afraid of criticisms and judgment from people. Honestly, we even thought of having an abortion and adoption because no one was ready for her.

I prayed so hard and ask for guidance in overcoming the battle,for I know deep in my heart that it was not the right thing to do. After which, I finally had the courage to pursue the baby and tell my guardian about it. As what I thought it would turned out, they had disowned me and told me I was a disgrace in the family. Maybe out of too much emotions and disappointment that they managed to say that, but during those moments, all the words were cursed for me. It was devastating and too hurtful to digest. That was the moment that I wished Mom was still with me so I would not felt that way. I had been into different kinds of fights with someone, arguments on who’s who, and confrontations I never thought would happen. They say expectant mothers should always be happy and surrounded by good vibes and positivity but mine was a complete opposite.

So yeah, I moved on and  continued with the journey even if no one was there to support me. I worked hard day to night, travel here and there just to earn and save for the Big day and finance all the pre and post natal requirements. I tell you it was not easy. It was another difficult situation in my life, another trial I had to surpass and what’s worse was that I felt like I was in the journey alone. That the baby in my tummy was ONLY my responsibility.

It was unbearable! I had to talk to few of the closest people in my heart for emotional support. God knows how much I needed that., and luckily I got it from them.( Thank you for that).

God is so good, I never missed appointments with my OB-Gyne, took all the medicine and prescriptions for healthy pregnancy and baby. Fast forward to the day that I had to choose the birth place. My aunt offered to help me have a simple delivery near their place ,but I felt like I needed a better assistance than that. Besides, my OB Gyne has her resident hospital which was way nearer to my apartment, so I’d better go for that Private hospital. ( I thought).

Then due date came. It was surreal! I thought movies were overrated, but everything was just like the movies!. I had my labor for 2 hours because I do not know how to PUSH the baby outside my womb. But,hey! I survived natural birth for an 8.6 pounds baby girl, and for that ,I’m proud!

Today marks the third year. Three years had passed but it still feels like yesterday. I could still recall the time I had to rush myself to the hospital, engage into something I have never done before, and heard the first cry of what I thought was a gigantic insect, but turns out to be a baby girl, whose been baptized with a name of Zoe Yzabelle…

…and from then on my life changed. I knew that it will never be the same again.

Zoe never came with an instruction. I do not know how to become a mother. I barely know some superstitious beliefs, what to do and not to do. She was so precious I could not afford to make a mistake. But God never allowed me to do things alone so she brought me closer to my mother’s family. They were the closest who can guide me through road to parenting. The first phase was hard with all the  postpartum blues and struggles of parenting,I almost cried every  night! 2 months had passed and my savings aren’t enough. I need to go back to work to provide for the family.

To be clear, I was a single mother.I chose to become a single mother. That means, I need to work so we could live; and being a working single mom  means being away from your child. I had to hire a nanny to look after my daughter on my behalf, because you know how hard it is to be in two places the same time (unless you know how to teleport). So I had to choose one role (only) as a priority and the other as secondary. Choosing was a tough task, how can you choose if you want both? It was my first time to take care of a growing baby yet I also need to work to provide for our little family. I had to sacrifice the first role, and put the latter as a priority. Some of you might ask me why? Why did you sacrifice your new born over career? and these is what I will tell you over and over again..

I am a single mother. I portray the role of a dad and a mom at the same time. I provide for the family. I had to work hard so my child could drink her milk every time she needs it, could change her diapers anytime she have to, take her medicine as what is prescribed and give her comfortable clothing, beddings, and well ventilated room. Yes, I missed a lot. I missed how she learn stuff for the first time, or crawl, or blab, or walk and  so on… and it hurts me so much. But do I have a choice? Had I chosen to become a full time stay at home mom, I don’t think we can ever survive life. So yeah, I am that working mom who missed  a  lot of things about my child, but I am that mom who make sure everything is well provided for the family and make sure to catch up in her child’s progress. I am that mom who do not have a day off and rest day because rest day at work  means on duty as a mom.  I am that mom who works hard today, so time will come that I will have enough savings and a business and just spend most of my time for my family. I am that single mom you criticize as a bad mom for missing a lot,  but I am that mom who proudly portrays different roles just so my child would not feel left out!!

So that was my hello this August. Hello to a new life ( my baby) and for a new life (with her.)

 

 

-N

 

 

 

 

 

 

A letter for Zoe.

Dear Zoe,

You remember I told you that once your here with me I’ll never miss a moment?

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I am trying my best baby. Despite Mommy’s hectic schedule I make sure I am always with you especially on your special days.

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I wanna spend every minute of everyday with you.

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I wanna witness all your craziness and kulitness..

I wanna be kissed by you everyday zoe.

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Your sweetness is more than I could ever ask for.

 

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I love you for that!

Actually, i love you for everything you are.

I just pray that you grew up as sweet as what you are now.

 

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Despite  your tantrums.

I am very much willing you wipe your tears and be your shoulder to cry on.

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I will be your protector..

I will be your guide..

I will be your best MOM.

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I love you.

 

 

-N

Blog reposted from my previous Tumblr acct.
Photo courtesy of Alfrico “Sugar” Pagaoa