Exactly 3 years ago, on August 27, when I had my hello. —Hello to a heaven sent angel.
After my mom died, I’d like to think that I technically lived alone.After graduation, I worked my ass off because I want to become successful in the field that I chose. I want to slap the world and tell them that I made it! I made it even if my mom was not here! and proudly claim I made it, and made my mom proud!
My shit was basically on its way of putting up itself together. I have a good career, I can afford renting my own space, and I am on my way to a less worry life standing at my own feet.All I will care was my life and how I wanted it to be. That simple!
I was so overwhelmed that I thought life alone was what I really wanted. All I care about will just be what I want and what I need. Less drama trying to please other people who do not even deserve it. Less chances of hypocrisy and unsolicited opinions..less complications.. but I was wrong.
As the bible says in Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
I was wrong. Suddenly I felt like something was missing.Like a part of a puzzle was not there yet to make it a whole. .. ——- I was never complete.
It was August 27 when I found the answer. 3 years after my mom left, God sent someone for me. Someone whom I’ll be spending my forever and eternity with. An angel who will fill up the gaps, and complete the missing part of me when I lost her.
Unlike other people, what I had was unexpected. I was not prepared for it. I was young, wild and free. I know nothing and I do not have the support group. I was so depressed that I cried almost every night. I was so afraid of criticisms and judgment from people. Honestly, we even thought of having an abortion and adoption because no one was ready for her.
I prayed so hard and ask for guidance in overcoming the battle,for I know deep in my heart that it was not the right thing to do. After which, I finally had the courage to pursue the baby and tell my guardian about it. As what I thought it would turned out, they had disowned me and told me I was a disgrace in the family. Maybe out of too much emotions and disappointment that they managed to say that, but during those moments, all the words were cursed for me. It was devastating and too hurtful to digest. That was the moment that I wished Mom was still with me so I would not felt that way. I had been into different kinds of fights with someone, arguments on who’s who, and confrontations I never thought would happen. They say expectant mothers should always be happy and surrounded by good vibes and positivity but mine was a complete opposite.
So yeah, I moved on and continued with the journey even if no one was there to support me. I worked hard day to night, travel here and there just to earn and save for the Big day and finance all the pre and post natal requirements. I tell you it was not easy. It was another difficult situation in my life, another trial I had to surpass and what’s worse was that I felt like I was in the journey alone. That the baby in my tummy was ONLY my responsibility.
It was unbearable! I had to talk to few of the closest people in my heart for emotional support. God knows how much I needed that., and luckily I got it from them.( Thank you for that).
God is so good, I never missed appointments with my OB-Gyne, took all the medicine and prescriptions for healthy pregnancy and baby. Fast forward to the day that I had to choose the birth place. My aunt offered to help me have a simple delivery near their place ,but I felt like I needed a better assistance than that. Besides, my OB Gyne has her resident hospital which was way nearer to my apartment, so I’d better go for that Private hospital. ( I thought).
Then due date came. It was surreal! I thought movies were overrated, but everything was just like the movies!. I had my labor for 2 hours because I do not know how to PUSH the baby outside my womb. But,hey! I survived natural birth for an 8.6 pounds baby girl, and for that ,I’m proud!
Today marks the third year. Three years had passed but it still feels like yesterday. I could still recall the time I had to rush myself to the hospital, engage into something I have never done before, and heard the first cry of what I thought was a gigantic insect, but turns out to be a baby girl, whose been baptized with a name of Zoe Yzabelle…
…and from then on my life changed. I knew that it will never be the same again.
Zoe never came with an instruction. I do not know how to become a mother. I barely know some superstitious beliefs, what to do and not to do. She was so precious I could not afford to make a mistake. But God never allowed me to do things alone so she brought me closer to my mother’s family. They were the closest who can guide me through road to parenting. The first phase was hard with all the postpartum blues and struggles of parenting,I almost cried every night! 2 months had passed and my savings aren’t enough. I need to go back to work to provide for the family.
To be clear, I was a single mother.I chose to become a single mother. That means, I need to work so we could live; and being a working single mom means being away from your child. I had to hire a nanny to look after my daughter on my behalf, because you know how hard it is to be in two places the same time (unless you know how to teleport). So I had to choose one role (only) as a priority and the other as secondary. Choosing was a tough task, how can you choose if you want both? It was my first time to take care of a growing baby yet I also need to work to provide for our little family. I had to sacrifice the first role, and put the latter as a priority. Some of you might ask me why? Why did you sacrifice your new born over career? and these is what I will tell you over and over again..
I am a single mother. I portray the role of a dad and a mom at the same time. I provide for the family. I had to work hard so my child could drink her milk every time she needs it, could change her diapers anytime she have to, take her medicine as what is prescribed and give her comfortable clothing, beddings, and well ventilated room. Yes, I missed a lot. I missed how she learn stuff for the first time, or crawl, or blab, or walk and so on… and it hurts me so much. But do I have a choice? Had I chosen to become a full time stay at home mom, I don’t think we can ever survive life. So yeah, I am that working mom who missed a lot of things about my child, but I am that mom who make sure everything is well provided for the family and make sure to catch up in her child’s progress. I am that mom who do not have a day off and rest day because rest day at work means on duty as a mom. I am that mom who works hard today, so time will come that I will have enough savings and a business and just spend most of my time for my family. I am that single mom you criticize as a bad mom for missing a lot, but I am that mom who proudly portrays different roles just so my child would not feel left out!!
So that was my hello this August. Hello to a new life ( my baby) and for a new life (with her.)