Today is August 1,2017. The first day of what they call the ghost month. The first day of my Hello and Goodbye month..
You know what they say? A lot of things can happen in a day, what more in a month right? For some, this month can be their birth month, or anniversary, or promotion day or whatever that makes this month worth waiting for. But for me? I am torn between two emotions ( no, that’s a little underrated).. let me rephrase that.. I am torn between a lot of emotions that I could not fathom which will be the best emotion to portray.
You would probably ask me why did I call it my hello and goodbye month. Let me explain it to you the best detailed way I can.
Why goodbye month?
I was just 17 years old when I was forced to bid goodbye to the person I dearly love.My best friend, confidant, and guide was taken away from me while I was busy preparing for our future. My young heart was shattered to pieces. The light of my life was switched off and made me live in darkness.
The only person who I grew up with;who can understand my imperfections without judging me left without even saying goodbye. She left without a word.
I studied away from home to be independent and be the best daughter one could ever have. I rarely come home to visit her and tell her how university life was personally. I frequently ignore her calls and forgets to reply to her text messages with the reason that “I am so tired or busy”. I was so consumed by school activities and in becoming so competitive that I overlook the person struggling for me. I care less about how money was got as long as I submit every project, represent the school even if it requires travel,attend every tour, pass all the requirements,buy every book needed to be the best student in our college when I should also be aiming to be the best daughter to my mother.
I was her only daughter yet I still choose to be away from her to become perfect. I was so consumed in molding my self to be this and that that I never knew that the independence I was practiced for will be for a lifetime.
It was July 30,2011 when my mother had a vehicular accident. It was midterm week in the University but I was not informed that I will be taking the test outside school. Life gave me a test to realize which is more important, will I be the best student or will I be the best daughter?
In a heartbeat, I rushed home to be the best daughter but it was too late. The best mother I have was in the ICU. She can barely breathe on her own but her heart still beats. There I saw my best mother fighting for her life teary eyed but could not even speak a word. She looks different. Her brain is full of fluid. Her life was only level 3.
Day and Night I used the oxygen pump to supply oxygen to her body so she would not stop breathing. I should not blink an eye and take a break or my mother would be lost in a sec. It took 2 days before we were given the oxygen tank. I run here and there to submit the laboratory and buy her medicine. I hop from hospital to hospital just to make sure we would get the right results, correct documentations and analysis of her condition.
Sigh.These was not taught in University… I am not prepared for this. I was not prepared for this.
August 1 when a doctor talked to my 17 year old self. My relatives could not make a decision so they allowed me to make the biggest decision of my life.They made me choose between fighting or giving up.
If I choose to fight there is a big chance that she will be suffering all her life. She will live but only with 30% of her life. She could not speak, move or do anything for herself. She will be physically alive but dead. No therapy could improve her condition and I could not afford it either nor the nurse who will attend to her while I was at school. But choosing to fight will be choosing to be with my mother a little longer.
If I choose to give up. I will save her from lifetime of misery.
How do I know what’s right and best thing to do? I am just a young ambitious 17 year-old.—I prayed hard to ask for guidance. I talked to the people I trust..
and there it goes..
August 2,2011 when I made the biggest decision in my entire life.
The day I have decided to change my life.
The very reason that made me who I am today.
The day I have decided to let go and give up.
The day I sometimes regret..
I’d like to think I was selfish. I should have fought harder. I should have believed in miracles and its wonders. I should have been stronger on my own.
but I was fragile..and vulnerable…and not knowing..
I do not know what to do. I just chose to gave up.
Today, August 1,2017, 6 years since I gave up from her. 6 years being haunted by what ifs and could have beens. I could not move on from the fact that I lost her because I gave up.
Tomorrow will be the 6th anniversary of my first Goodbye. I would like to tell you that I am still struggling to be okay but I am managing it. I’d like to believe that everything that happened was for the best but my tears still could not handle it. I am physically fine mom but I am emotionally wrecked and no one could fix it ( maybe time can tell..who knows?)
On the other hand I am thankful because you made me stronger than my 17 year old self. I realized that I could never be perfect no matter what I do. You made me realized that I can make it on my own and no words, criticisms and rejections can ever made me give up ever again. My dreams now are your dreams and those will be my lifes mission. I will make you proud mom. No matter how hard it gets, I will make it and this time I will FIGHT! i will keep fighting until they will get tired of bringing me down.
Now, I will aim to be your best daughter.
I’d like to think that life is a compilation of Hello’s and Goodbye’s and here’s my first Goodbye.