When loving someone becomes draining..

You’re alone.. Sitting in a coffee shop tired of leaving life with no one to share this with..
Then life gives you battle you cannot overcome and a knight to save the damsel in distress..

You found yourself falling..
Falling hard..
Falling deeply madly hard with the person..

Without you knowing.. You have lost yourself in the process.

Maybe loving someone so much makes you forget yourself. You forgot who you are.. What you want.How to decide for yourself and what you really aspire for.
You have forgotten the ABCs you knew so well.

You are so consumed in working hard to please the other person that you dismiss your own needs. You run even if you wanted to walk,and drown because you forgot how to swim.

You have forgotten how to stand up for yourself because there’s a knight to save the princess anyway.

You have forgotten how to speak what’s in your mind and do what your body desires to.
You have got tounge tied,because less talk less mistakes right? Even if you knew that you’re quite the talker.

Its always been about the other person. The wants,the needs, the satisfaction of the other.

Its draining..
Its consuming..

But that’s what commitment is about right?

You commit to work hard to improve your relationship.
You commit to do everything for the betterment.

And it should be both of you. Because if its only you who does the work.. Then indeed it is draining.. It’s not love which is consuming.. It is the relationship. Because instead of two way..it becomes one way.

A relationship with only one whose willing to work is draining. Might as well walk out of it. This siuation gives you two choices..

Are you willing to risk being drained for the rest of your life? And will you patiently wait and try to swim until the other person tries to save you? Or just pack your bags and start anew?

Its your choice.

-N

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Our skin play important role in one’s appearance. It covers protects everything inside the body and it is no secret that it changes as we age. At some point, no filter could beautify, no concealer could hide, and the skin will be uneditable anymore. Maybe this is the time people evaluate how they really take care of the largest organ in our body? Is it kept healthy and supplied with the right vitamins it needs or it is simple taken for granted?

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Hindi tayo ganon..

Sabi nila, kapag mahal mo lulunukin mo pride mo kahit mabulunan kana, kahit hindi ikaw ang may kasalanan,ikaw yung unang magsosorry kasi ayaw mong lumipas yung buong araw na magkaaway kayo, dahil ayaw mong masayang ang oras nyo sa bangayan at batuhan ng mga masasakit na salita o hindi magkibuan..

pero totoo pala talaga na sa isang relasyon, isa lang ang  ganon.

Isa lang kasi ang mas nagmamahal.

 Isa lang ang handang magpakumbaba para sa kanila.

 Isa lang ang mas umiintindi.

Isa lang ang mas nagmamahal..

Yung isa, naFall nalang. Sumakay nalang. Kaya kahit na magaway okay lang.

Mag hihintay nalang na kibuin, 

Maghihintay na lambingin.

Maghihintay na mahalin ng sobra,

at kung hindi, hahayaan nalang. sumakay nalang din. NAFALL LANG KASI.

Hindi ba pwede na pareho?

Parehong mahal na mahal ang isa’t isa?

Parehong handang magpakumbaba?

Parehong takot mawala ang isa?

Parehong nagbibigay ng sobra?

Parehong umuunawa?

Parehong nagbibigay para sa ikakaayos at ikatatagal ng relasyon?

PANTAY. WALANG KULANG.WALANG BIASE.

Hindi na kailangang mag hintayan kung sino una kikibo o maglalambing dahil sabay kayo gagawa ng paraan para maging maayos.

Hindi na kailangang bilangin kung sino laging umuunawa o umeefort kase pareho nyo alam na kung ano man ang binibigay ng bawat isa ay higit pa sa kailangan.

Kapag ganun, napakasarap siguro magmahal. Wala ka ng nanaisin pang gawin kung hindi ang magmahal dahil nasusuklian ka.. sobra sobra pa sa hinigi mo.

Araw araw nkaukit ang mga ngiti sa mga labi mo dahil araw araw ka nyang pinapasaya.

Lalo pa siguro magiging masarap mabuhay.

Ang sarap siguro..

Kaso hindi tayo ganun..

Hindi tayo ganon..

Hindi.

 


Recovered from Tumblr account

 

The Hunt for Closure.


Recovered post from my Tumblr account.


 

I should have written about this weeks ago but I didn’t. Why? Because of two reasons, First, I do not find time to do so, Second, I cannot find the right words to.

 

I have been hunted for several nights. Three nights of you in my dreams,or maybe more. A week after a week I saw your face appeared in my wildest dreams. Why have you been doing this to me? What do you want?

It was the first night when the dream I had has been put into words when I wrote a poem about it. I knew you were getting married after a week of having that dream and I have nothing to do with it. You know that right? It’s been years already and no communication has been established. Why all of a sudden you would just play with me with the tricks you do of having an unannounced visit in my dreams? What do you want?

How could you just appear and leave no words. Are your skills in leaving me hanging being tested again?

Oh my, please fill me in.. What do you want?

I tried to erase the memories so I would focus on present and leave the visions I had. I do not want it. I do not want you to suddenly appear again and consume my thoughts. No, not ever again!

I was back on track again. Facing reality on my own.

Days had passed and then one night when  I fell asleep there you were standing right in front of me again. Staring. Staring right into my soul. No words. No words had been said. Not a gesture has been made.Just.. just nothing..

I was left blank again. Clueless. Speechless. Looking for answers as to “What do you want?”

How could you leave with no trace for years and just come back all of a sudden and make me feel so weak and startled all over again? I do not want this!

I have been living in my life happy after you leave, how can you make me doubt this happiness by just showing up?

Please stop.

Stop.

Originally posted by attack-clifford

It was last night (I hope it will really be the Last) , when your face was a character in my dreams again.

But this time, you were not alone.

You were with them.

Unlike the past dreams with no gesture made, no words uttered.. this time I heard you.

After years, I once again, heard your laughter.

After years, I once again, saw you cared.

After years, I once again, saw those eyes and how happy your soul was.

Maybe not with me, but with your own family.

And from there I finally realized why you were constantly doing some unsolicited appearance in my dreams.

It was because we never had closure, and you longed for it, we longed for it.

You wanted to say goodbye to what we had before you begin to have what you truly want.

You wanted us to be free from the baggage of the past.

You wanted to show how happy you were with the life you have after we decided to separate ways ,and you wanted to show me that I should be happy with it too.

You wanted to show me that there is a life, a reality waiting for us outside the fantasies we once created, and you already found it and it was my time to find it too.

I found the answer..

What do you want?

 

Closure.

Yes I had been hunted. Hunted by the past. But it was the hunting that made me, us, free again.

 

 

 

Feb2016

-N

That dream..

 


Recovered post from Tumblr.


The other night I had a dream..

the dream was about you..

You were there.. standing right in front of me..

in a place we used to meet.

The picture was so clear.

you were wearing a white shirt and a pants..

you walk towards me.. closer..

a scenario I wouldn’t expect.

It was a starry night..

you were so close..

as I looked straight into your eyes

I see longing..

as if you missed me that much.

I do not know what to do.

I do not know how to react.

My body freezes..

because you were from my past.

But I was shocked with what I did

I Hugged you tight and asked..

“ What took you so long to come back?

You know I missed you so much”

But it was all a dream..

a one night dream..

because in reality..

you are getting married this January. :/

2016

 

 

 

-N

I am a WOMAN and I deserve EQUALITY

In a world where everyone believes in equality is a group who still fights for their right.
It’s a group who still struggles to have a name, to be heard, to be seen, to be appreciated, to be loved, and to express..
A group who have long been muted by society who’s rights are defined but not exercised..

Who’s responsibilities are endless but capacity is limited.
These group…are women.
Women,who,no matter how empowered still at one point or another becomes inferior.
Women,who,no matter how loud they scream seems inaudible..
Women, who,no matter how hard they work will always stay at the bottom.

It’s hard to be a woman.
It’s hard to always fight for your right wherever,whenever.
It’s hard to always fight because you knew that you don’t have to but they provoke you.
It’s hard to always explain yourself to anyone,everyone.
Its hard because you knew that you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Its hard to always be misunderstood,
To always be judged,
To always be cursed,
To always be humiliated,
To always be disgraced,
To always be blamed,
To always be themselves..

Why does it have to be difficult breathing?
Why does it have to be difficult existing?

I am a woman!
And I deserve what you deserve,
Not because I am greedy,
But because I deserve equality.

‘What if your life ended this minute?

I stumbled upon a Facebook  video shared by reset.fit entitled

‘What if your life ended this minute?

Watching it got me thinking like, What if I was not ready and my life ended this minute? What will I do? What will I say before it happens? and Where will I go after that?

Death as they say is inevitable. Everyone will die at some point in their lives, some just left sooner than others. However, no matter how much you anticipate death, it is still scary. We will never be ready for it, emotionally at least.

The video I watched left questions for viewers to answer. Let’s try to answer the questions one by one and contemplate on life.

  1. What do you love about yourself?

 

uhm. I love that I can now be myself and do what I really want with my life. I love that I am sensitive of other people. I’d like to think that I can easily symphatize and emphatize with other people. I easily know if they are hurt, offended or genuinely happy by looking at their faces. I love that I care too much and care less whichever is necessary.

 

2. Do you have any regrets about your life?

 

I would like to say I don’t, but truth is, I have.

I regret not taking chances with people, relationships. I regret not trusting the right people when I was younger. I built my walls so high no one could come close. I was so afraid to get hurt that I always stayed on my comfort zone.  Because of that, I ended up trusting the wrong people and let the right people go.

But even if I regret some decisions I made, I am still thankful for it. It made me wiser, it made me realize what works and what doesn’t. It made me stronger and taught me life lessons based on first hand experiences.

 

3. If you were given one more chance, what would you do?

 

I could not turn back time and  re-do or undo things. What I will do is make the most of it. Learn from the past experiences and make sure not to repeat the same mistakes twice. I will love until I have nothing to give. I will appreciate even the smallest things and live life not thinking about what ifs and what could be’s more than the experiences it may bring me.

I will live everyday as a fresh start and do the things that I love. I will try new things, conquer my fears and I will love life even more!

 

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How about you? Are you brave enough to  answer those three (3) questions?

 

 

 

 

-N

Pag ibig pa bang matatawag kung hindi ka na makahinga?

 

Pag ibig pa bang matatawag kung hindi ka na makahinga?
Bawat kibot pagnawala ka ang tanong ay “saan ka?”
Bawat pindot mo ng keypad mukha nya ay hindi maihulma..
Para bang sa bawat pag galaw mo’y may dulot na problema.
Tipong nakakasakal na.
Tipong hindi ka na makalanghap ng hangin bukod sa inyong hininga.
Ilang beses pa bang uulitin na mahal na mahal ka.
Ilang beses pa bang papatunayan na ikaw lang wala ng iba?
Kinuha mo na ngang lahat, puso,oras, pati buhay ko.
Hindi ka pa ba kontento?
Kinalimutan ko na nga sarili ko para sayo.
Kinalimutan ko na mga gusto ko para sa gusto mo.
Kinalimutan ko na mga kaibigan ko at binigay ang oras sayo ng buong buo.
Sobra na to!
Pagibig pa ba to o pagpapaka gago?
Sige nga sagutin mo.

 

 

 

 

-N

Nagising na lang akong hindi na nya ako mahal..

Flashback.

Isulat natin to sa tagalog para damang dama mo.

Dumating ka sa buhay ko ng biglaan.
Hindi naman kita hinanap.
Hindi rin naman kita inakit.
Bigla ka nalang dumating, nagpakilala,nanatili.
Nanalagi.. Ilang taon.
Ilang taon din diba?
Tagal na pala.
Ang tagal na pala nating mahal ang isat isa.
Ang tagal na pala tayong hindi makaalis ng wala ang isa.
Ang tagal na palang naging automatic mo akong kasama.
Sa lakad nyo ng tropa.. Kahit sa paglalaro mo ng dota.
Naalala mo nung pumunta pa tayo ng sagada?
Parang wala ng bukas dba?!
Tang ina sobrang saya!
Isinigaw mo pa sa mga ulap kung gano ako kahalaga.
Isinumpa mo pa sa araw at sinabing “mahal na mahal kita”,walang iwanan ha?
At yung ano..
Yung mga pagkaen sa kanto.
Natatandaan mo?
Kahit dun lang tayo kumaen tayo’y kontento.
Isang tusok ng kwek kwek na sampo bawat tatlo.
Isang inihaw na barbeque,hotdog at palamig na puro sago.
Kahit di man tayo pumunta sa mamahaling resto.
Ang mahalaga magkasama tayo.
Saya diba?
Inaantay ko na nga lang na tanungin mo ko..
Inaantay ko na nga lang na lumuhod ka sa harap ko para masabi kong oo!
Pero..
Lumuhod ka nga..
Oo nga..
Lumuhod ka pala.
Pero hindi para sabihing mahal na mahal kita papakasal ka ba?
Pero para sabihing.. Pasensya.
May mahal na akong iba.

-n

What it feels when you’re leaving and why you should overcome it.

Saying goodbye is always the hardest part. How can you leave when you’re already accustomed to the comfort of it? You have been with it for so long.. You already knew the flaws and still love every part of it. You already knew how to tickle the sweet part and forget the dark sides..

Some would ask,why would you leave something you are so comfortable with?

My answer? I don’t know.

Maybe the answer already lies in the question. I am way too comfortable, I am no longer challenged; or maybe, I don’t think growth comes along side with comfort.

Whatever the reason may be.. The feeling will still be the same. Leaving something is always and will always brings you sepanx( separation anxiety). Everything will be slow mo,making you reminisce all the good stuffs that happened during your years of stay. And as you try to pack your things, each has its own story. No matter how old that stuff may be,you will remember its history. Then as you roam around and spend your remaining days, you will appreciate every little thing, every person, every moment. You will notice even the slightest change, the smallest matter occupying a space in your place…

Suddenly you will find your self,thinking..

Should I leave or stay?

These occurrence will make you ponder,leaving your mind confused. The choice between leaving or staying will play on repeat.

Now,the moment of deciding comes..

Will you stay or leave?

It may be hard,actually it is the hardest,but you have to go through it. You just need to understand that as you withdraw from the situation,organization or relationship ,the memories will still remain with you as you go,it may leave you baffled;but keep in mind why you consider leaving at all.

Overcome the anxiety by savoring it but not holding unto it for so long. Store it as a memory but not as a chain to keep holding on.

(PS: Have you been stranded in some thing because you just can’t let go of the memories? Comfort? Share your story,and let’s figure it out!.)

-n